Old Geek Humor - "Top Secret Microsoft Code" (from Tek Thots vol. 2 issue 6, 1997)

 Back in 1996, I started an email newsletter I called Tek Thots. If you've ever seen my LinkedIn profile, you know I'm intrigued by and pursue many interests. At the time, I was working progressively longer hours at a growing tech company that would become the country's second largest Internet Service Provider behind only AOL. (AOL was technically a Commercial Online Service so I've often argued EarthLink was actually the largest ISP in the country, not AOL. But semantics, yes?)

I was also teaching at a couple of schools on the side (one a tenure track associate professor position). I taught an odd mix of classes ranging from Composition, Creative Writing and Twentieth Century British and American Literature to what evolved into web development, software development (and a rare class on computer hardware). I was also writing and publishing, traveling for business and pleasure, giving seminars with additional odd projects on the side that could become time and labor-intensive.

Still, I had many geek interests, in part stemming from my involvement in the computing world since the 1970s, my first home computer in 1982 (C64, of course), email, modems, my first programming classes, security, BBS's, protocols such the OSI model, TCP/IP stack, etc. Spending my time working in the biggest data center on the west coast thrilled me to no end, and I was working toward an engineering degree at UCLA. Of course I loved gaming, helping out newbies, research into still little known tech issues (anyone remember VRML?), tracking down "bad guys" with some others, typical geek humor, etc.

Tek Thots surprised me by turning out to be pretty influential. I published erratically, had no help and did everything myself, but met some great people from around the world. If you've read my short LinkedIn entry on it, I note it migrated to a greater emphasis on security, privacy, cryptography, info warfare, etc., and I was engaged with many professionals around the globe and people seemed to appreciate the (free) newsletter's growth. At one point I know Tek Thots had subscribers from over 50 countries, including the US, Belgium, New Zealand, Sweden, UK, Israel, Canada, Australia, Germany, Chile, Finland, Norway, UAE, Italy, South Korea, Denmark, Iceland, Poland, Switzerland, France, Netherlands, Singapore, Hong Kong, South Africa, Russia, Spain, Latvia, Thailand, Portugal, Mexico, Japan, Romania, India, Austria, Bermuda, Nicaragua, Brazil, Malaysia, Ireland, Czech Republic, Romania, Slovak Republic, Croatia, Greece, Cypress & Estonia. Moreover,  many were in education, government and military fields and the majority of US subscribers often had email domains ending with .edu, .gov, .mil and .arpa extensions. 

 

The purpose of this article actually is NOT supposed to be a full history of Tek Thots. Rather, I wanted to post a snippet of one of the issues as an introduction to my new project to put up an informal site where anyone can access the issues I still possess from between 1996-1999. I'm missing quite a few, but I still have over 15 and I think some are interesting because I made a lot of observations, predictions and forecasting and it's been interesting to see how accurate I turned out to be. Also I encouraged reader engagement, not all of which was glowing fan mail. Those who are honest will surely admit that techies are among the first to rip into each other if they think a person is wrong. They have no compuctions about proving that person stupid. Fortunately, I rarely had to deal with that, but I did receive many messages from people contesting some of my observations or assertions -- good naturedly -- and I'd often print a few (with their permission) and respond in the following issue. I came across one such a few weeks ago from the first year of the newsletter and I wondered whatever happened to the young lady who wrote me asking questions and offering a small challenge in response to some things I'd written in the previous issue. I knew nothing about her but decided to see if I could find her and to my surprise, she's on LinkedIn! I haven't contacted her because despite a positive relationship, that WAS in the previous century and who knows if she ever remembers this. My typical strategy is to tag a person and hope they see it, which I would do except since I haven't spoken to her, I don't know how she'd feel about me identifying her by name -- even via just a tag -- on this platform, but I'll worry about that another time.

So Finally! I'm finally at the place which this intended-short article was to be about. I apologize for the lengthy intro but I wanted to explain the purpose and context, especially since what I'm about to post was typical nerd humor in the 1980s and '90s, but as far as I know, may no longer be appreciated these days because it seems so many people have lost their sense of humor, a pity. But I have one more longish piece of information to provide, largely for those not familiar with the old hatred of Microsoft.

 

One of the frequent things found in engineering divisions (and elsewhere) back in those days was forms of humor ranging from pure geekfest to stuff that probably wouldn't pass the current PC barrier and that was true even for many female colleagues working in these environments. We made fun of a lot of famous people and companies and there were so many to trash. However, if you're old enough to remember those days, you should get this, and if you weren't around at the time, you should probably know this so as to have any needed context. The two tech companies that stood out for criticism with a little brutality were Apple and at #1, Microsoft. I'll skip Apple for now. Microsoft was hated by nearly everyone for nearly everything. In no particular order, they made horribly inferior products, and that was in manufacturing, because both by confirmation and strong assertions and beliefs, Microsoft never actually MADE anything! [This URL provides good and once common examples of the complaints people had about Microsoft: https://www.quora.com/What-made-Microsoft-deserve-the-moniker-of-Evil-Empire.] Apple may have put some stinkers out there but they were innovators. Microsoft was known for stealing most of their offerings from other companies, or buying companies solely for a product they wanted to sell but couldn't/wouldn't make themselves. While Gates did create DOS for IBM (though even that concept is challenged), legend has it Gates, et al, toured the incredibly innovative Xerox PARC where they'd already invented most anything worth a damn (a GUI display, a mouse [originally wooden], Ethernet, laser printing, a great text editor, the alleged first actual personal computer, user friendly programming languages and much more). Many young tech stars famously went to Palo Alto to tour the lab, yet many sources assert Gates stole his idea for a GUI OS interface, a mouse and more while there. (Steve Jobs and Apple were accused of the same thing and it seems very likely they both were guilty.) Additionally, Gates bought SQL from a small company and has made massive profits, as well as Windows servers and their IE browser from a small company they (metaphorically) roughed up. Nothing original, yet even then, products that were largely crap in quality. Unfortunately, users had no recourse because for one thing, Apples cost so much more, UNIX wasn't a viable reality, and you couldn't buy a PC without the new Windows on it, so Microsoft had a monopoly (which they abused) that was considered so "evil" that the DOJ went after them and forced a massive fine on them for various anti-competitive crimes.

 To cut to the chase, though, the real problem was Bill Gates. He was simply an asshole. By then Microsoft was called "the evil empire" by many and Boardwatch Magazine published an issue so infamous that they had merch made up and I still have the shirt that features Bill's head with some sci fi contraption over one eye and the title "BillGatus of Borg," which basically went viral. I not only still have the shirt, but the poster too.

One known example is when AOL was under the impression they were going to have a partnership with Microsoft. On the assigned day for talks, Gates and his team apparently walked into AOL's conference room, Gates sat down, looked at Steve Case and said "I can either buy you today or destroy you today, your choice." (Recollected quote from book I read some years ago, so not likely ver batam.) Unlike most companies, Case threw the Microsoft group out of the building. So It wasn't until Bill retired, got married and tried to resurrect his image with numerous interviews and much philanthropy, and also other Borgs arising, that Gates was finally able to become ... not nearly as toxic to many Microsoft haters. [As a personal aside - having nothing to do with the many hundreds of friends, colleagues and connections I have there - I've been impressed with the fact that over the past decade or so, Microsoft has done two things they never did -- innovate and vastly improve most products so that now before the 3rd version of whatever it is, it's long been stable and usable. So kudos to them!]

So I have gone on far too long and I'm finally going to get to the original reason for this article. I'm posting an example (bad, fuzzy -- sorry) of some subtle (not really), funny, sarcastic nerd humor from Tek Thots vol. 2, issue 6, published on June 13, 1997. This was typical of many different goofy things we'd exchange and occasionally post in between pieces of hacking and hackers (Mitnik), viruses, espionage, human trafficking, Russia's illegal purchase of SGIs, geopolitical armaments, etc. Between the jokes and the computer game reviews, had to keep things a bit lighter at times. One last note on this issue. I called this issue my "Spamford Wallace" issue. Long story, but I gave out his physical address and some 400 domains, IPs, invoices, etc., when it appeared most have difficulty locating him. In any event, here finally is the code. I can't improve on it so I hope it's readable and if so, I hope you enjoy. For my friends at Microsoft, please realize this is a harmless joke from over 25 years ago, so hopefully we can all have a chuckle without any ill feelings. Thanks!

An Intro -- My First Blog Post Here

Hello World. This is my attempt at a new blog. I'm pretty old and a good friend tried to hook me on an ancient blog platform called LiveJournal long before many people online today had even been born. Didn't take. The next one did, however, and I've been blogging ever since. It was a blogging site called Xanga and at one time it was very popular and successful and I think I recall it was one of the 20 most visited sites a month, way back when. I started in late 2003, had no clue what I was doing but eventually got the hang of it. 

So why this one? Xanga basically bit the dust about a decade ago. Most former Xangans are still traumatized by that because there was a REAL sense of community -- not this fake crap you hear about on social media sites like FB, Inst, whatever is big right now, because they really no longer exist to facilitate that if they ever did. I despise them and what they've done to the people of this planet. There are a number of books out there discussing how FB and sites like it have actually permanently caused brain damage to whatever degree in people! While that sounds a bit extreme and isn't universally accepted, I try to initially at least be open to new topics, so it's an interesting theory to consider.

Anyway, here's the deal. I was on Xanga until it imploded over a decade ago. I then moved to WordPress in 2012, where I've been ever since. I also started a blog here, but it was solely book reviews and was largely redundant from what I wrote on Goodreads so after a few years, I ditched it. Now, however, I think most all of the blog platforms suck (not that there are any -- they're all about shops, making money and I read review after review criticizing people who just wanted to blog! Damn smartasses.) and I want something different, even if it's not as glitzy or fancy as some others.  I've spent months researching different blog platforms and there are basically none, like I said. Which blows my mind. Ah, a short backup. What really got me amped up about leaving WordPress was they created an entirely new proprietary editor that one must use to create their blogs, and instead of typing in WYSIWYG or straight code, this new editor uses something called "blocks" which make no fucking sense to me at all. I'm actually in a hurry, so I don't have time to tell you my qualifications and experience, but let's say I'm as old as hell so I've hit that stage where this crap is both made for the kiddies and confuses the hell out of me and now it takes three times as long for me to write a post there as it used to and I've got to get out! But where? There is nowhere! So I've spent some months thinking about the Luddites we uber geeks made fun of back in the '80s and '90s -- people who not only were going to miss the Information Superhighway we were building for everyone, but didn't give a shit. Like Amish techies. Unthinkable. (I used to tell people I was Old School. Now I'm just Old. The photo of this shirt will be proof enough. LOL!) 

Just think! Microsoft's Windows OS most of us use, which Bill & his buddy nearly certainly ripped off from -- many think Steve Jobs, but it was more likely Xerox PARC near Stanford -- which is advertised as so advanced & which DOES look, feel & operate light years better than not only Windows 3.1, but good ole DOS. Made by Bill. For IBM, if memory serves me. For those who don't know, here's the kicker: Apple's OS was getting iffy & their increasing ties with Motorola for their microprocessors seemed to ... not go so well. And their market share was shrinking, their stock price was plummeting & vultures waited to pick their metaphorical bones. But fortunately, Apple had fired Steve Jobs just a few years before, & in his revenge he started another computer company called NeXt and had a new OS built that was UNIX-based, an infinitely superior in virtually every way, OS to any consumer OS on the market, including Apple's and Microsoft's DOS. The Apple board recognized a good thing when they saw it, made Jobs an offer he couldn't refuse -- contingent on his bringing his killer OS with him -- and they started producing Macs with that NeXt operating system, again merely another UNIX flavor so if you want to break out the command line and play around with vi in a bash shell, why not? And Microsoft? They panicked when they saw a GUI OS in an alpha version of Windows. That became their number one project at the time. But how? Well, typically of how Microsoft tended to operated back then. Rather than invest in R&D (No Time!) to come up with their own killer OS, they essentially built their new GUI Windows OS on the back of DOS -- which is why computer gamers could still play their DOS games on their new Windows machines. Over time, that knowledge became a near-secret & now it's rarely mentioned. But I find it incredibly ironic that for decades, PC users have used PCs almost exclusively (save for Linux distros more & more often) with a version of the MS Windows operating system, all shiny & new. And sitting on top of an unknown (by the consumers) ancient archaic OS about the same age as the BASIC programming language, which is sort of like buying a Ferrari only to later find it had a Buick engine in it. Well, there's so much more geeking out I could do, but I'm late now, so back to where I was & on to finish...

Well, I talk to some of the old set sometimes and many of us not only feel a bit disillusioned with what has happened to our pathetically idealistic game changer that would allow everyone equal access to education, etc., but indeed, some of us have regrets on occasion. I've even turned so much that I not only occasionally think of the Luddites wistfully, but have been taking very slow steps in that direction, shutting down accounts, sites, getting rid of some computers, mobile phones, routers, etc. We moved nearly two years ago and in our old place we had two dedicated IP gigabit lines running into our house and I was running 10 computers in three offices in our house(!), and at least four of those computers were custom designed and custom built for godawful prices. Yet we had to downsize, my health has gone to hell, and I no longer have the time, space, energy or impetus to repeat what I've done my whole life, so I've been running two iMacs -- one custom designed two and a half years ago -- and a killer

Falcon Northwest MACH V 

that has repeatedly tested out as basically the fastest, most powerful computer beneath a supercomputer (or uber-loaded workstation) there is, on several standard benchmarking tests. And I have an awesome 48" ASUS monitor with the best picture I've ever seen, two high quality printers for this setup alone, and guess what I'm going to (try to) do? I'm nearly finished hacking a fairly new Microsoft Surface Go 2 so that it can accommodate over 20 times the max storage capacity it's supposed to and while there's little I can do now about the chip inside or the RAM -- maybe a bit down the road -- once I get this thing working smoothly, I'm going to replace the massive system worth more than many cars with this little MS Surface Go 2, a pretty nice 27" monitor, change out the audiophile system I had here with something more basic and give her a go! Obviously I know I won't be able to multitask like I always have, but I think I've come close to giving myself heart attacks over the past year and a half by overdoing it on the computers. Hopefully this will help.

Well, I didn't plan on writing what I just wrote, so I don't know what to think. No one knows about, hence reads, new blogs, so I doubt this will even get a hit, but ya gotta start and now I have. It's been a long time since I've been on this platform and while there is something to be admired in Google's minimalism, the near-total lack of directions, documentation, options, etc., will be totally opposite of what I'm used to with WordPress, so I'd welcome advice or suggestions as to how to improve the look and feel of this barren site. Thanks and have a good one! -- DeadAgain